All Male Retreat
by School Escapee
Summary: Smoker is forced to take some time off the force and finds a brochure for a quaint little all male resort only for a murder to occur on his first night there with no way to contact police. M for Smut Gore and Swears. YAOI LawSan  SmoZo and more later on.
1. Shit Happens Too Much

A Secret Santa Exchange for 'GeckoMoriaShadowLord' and guess what? Moria is her fave character! So this has Moria! xD I don't know how I came up with this plot but I didn't wanna reuse the old one (sorry Gecko ): cuz it felt like cheating...

ANYWHO- AU- Characters are- Sanji, Paulie, Gecko, Ace, Luffy, Zoro, Law, and the main man of the story, SMOKER!

and plot is- A murder occurs at an all male retreat which is cut off from society, no electronics and most importantly, no phones. Detective Smoker, there by "chance" after Hina forced him to take some time off and he received a pamphlet for the retreat mysteriously, has to investigate who the murderer is before it continues.

Now I know murder mysteries are supposed to be long drawn out chapters...but I really wanna try to keep this one as 2 or 3 chapters ... but I hope I keep you guessing~

Enjoy and Merry Christmas and Happy New Year!

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"Shit." Smoker cursed as he rode the tram up the mountain, seeing the light drizzle change into a heavy downpour. _Why'd the damn place have to be so fucking secluded anyways? The brochure said that separation from society means separation from stress... Bullshit! Some people like to be miserable! Is that so wrong?_

In addition from being a tram ride away from civilization, the place also had a no electronics policy. Despite having working lights, the place had no outlets for laptops and chargers and no signals for cell phones and such. _If we wanted to be fucking Amish, we would go to a fucking Amish village!_

One of the few employees (the brochure had mentioned minimal employees for a more welcoming and homely experience) who was smart enough to wear a poncho out in the rain escorted Smoker through a short dirt road and a small tunnel of sorts before the resort came into view.

Since Chaser didn't prepare for the storm, he took the hoodless coat he had and draped it over his head, crouching down to cover his luggage from the storm too. Sure it looked kind of stupid but he was not in the mood to be wet too.

The place wasn't that impressive though. It just looked like a small hotel with pointy roofs for the illusion of a castle and a few courts for various sports scatter around the large space of the apparently flat mountain.

"The brochure looked better," Chaser mused aloud, earning a glare from the employee. That's really all Chaser had to go by though. The brochure. He came here on a whim anyways. The damn media had caught footage of him being "unnecessarily violent" to a purse snatcher. _He was a damn criminal so why be gentle? _

Sadly, the world didn't see it the same way as him and the pissed off Hina told him to disappear for a while until the press calmed down and he found the brochure on his desk, figuring Tashigi had brought it in with the mail.

The employee opened the door, escorting Smoker into a large dining hall. "Kishishishi! It seems our last guest has arrived for the week!" a large pale as ice man with a smile and a throne-like seat at the table said, the employee pulling out a chair for Smoker who slowly took a seat. "Alright! For the next week you are all brothers so we should start by getting to know each other more! Kishishishi!" the man announced, standing up before beginning introductions.

"My name is Gecko Moria, the owner of this beautiful resort and your father for a week! Kishishi..." he said, gesturing to the waiter to introduce himself as well. "Bonjour "brothers". I'm Sanji AllBleu, your humble chef/waiter so just come to me if you want a hot midnight snack." he said, winking at one of the guests very discreetly, causing Smoker to scoff.

The employee that escorted Smoker in just moments ago was struggling to take the poncho off and ended up disrobing his shirt in the process on accident as Sanji gestured to him to introduce himself before face-palming. "Hi brothers... Shit!" he said as he pulled his shirt out from the poncho. "Ahem. I'm Paulie and you can just call me if you find anything broken and I'll fix it right up for you." he struggled to say as he put his shirt back on, someone, Smoker wasn't quite sure who, whistling at the display of the man's 6-pack.

Gecko then tapped Smoker on the shoulder, being seated closest to him and Smoker grumbled under his breathe a few unsettling words as he unwillingly got up. "My name is Smoker. I'm a detective working for the NYC police department... umm... treat me well." he said, grumbling the last part under his breathe before hastily sitting down.

The man next to Smoker silently sat up before introducing himself. "Hi. My name is Zoro Roronoa and like Smokey here, I work for the NYC police department as a bounty hunter." he said before sitting down as well, giving a quick smirk over to Smoker as he gritted his cigar between his teeth angrily. _Why the hell did he have ta be here! _Smoker thought to himself, thinking of their past acquaintances. No good bounty hunter never played by the rules.

"Hello. I'm Law Tralfagar and I'm a surgeon from Pennsylvania." the next man said, slightly bowing his head before discreetly returning the wink previously given to him by Sanji causing him to smirk in response.

"HI! I'M LUFFY!" the next boy shouted before receiving a tap on his shoulder from his brother, gesturing him to lower his voice. "I just got out of high school and came here for fun with my brother!" he said cheerily before falling back into his seat.

"Hi. I'm Ace Portgas. The brother of that monkey and I'm happily unemployed! Came here out of boredom~" the boy almost sang before sitting down, finishing introductions. Considering it was only 7 o'clock, the rest of the day flew by rather uneventfully, getting a quick tour of the place.

"To help you all grow closer as brothers, you'll alternate rooms each night with another person of the group. Kishishi." Moria said before laying out a chart with everyone's names written into boxes with another.

**Zoro/Smoker | Sanji/Moria | Ace/Paulie | Law/Luffy**

"Shit!" Smoker said aloud upon reading the chart. The one person of the group he absolutely couldn't stand to be with (except for that Luffy brat. He was loud and annoying) he had the "luck" to be paired up with. That damn Roronoa and him went way back to when the green-haired boy was a rookie officer.

Later, once everyone was properly escorted to their rooms Smoker wanted to be brief and to the point with the cocky bastard. "Listen brat. I don't care what kind of little coincidence Satan has set up here, I came to be miserable as I expect it to and I don't want you mixing the misery with irritation!" Smoker growled at the boy who just sat on his own bed with his never fading smirk.

"Aren't misery and irritation kinda under the same category?" he asked with a raised eyebrow.

"Not when you're involved kid." Smoker said, rubbing his temples. Back when Zoro was a rookie officer, Smoker was his instructor of sorts and on a particularly boring and long steak-out, they were both particularly horny and... yeah. It was just a one-night thing but Smoker was always a bit unsettled around the kid and asked to switch rookies. A while after, the kid went rogue as a self-proclaimed "bounty hunter" and they continued to butt heads like people would on a stupid Saturday night citcom.

"Ah come on. I'm not seeing anyone and you're way too picky to be seeing anyone wrinkles." Zoro said, getting off his bed to sit with Smoker on his, behind him. He wrapped his arms around Smokers neck and began trailing kisses from the edge of his cheek bone until his neck was craned enough to place a kiss on Smoker's lips, pushing the man back so he was lying down and kicking one of his legs over him so he was sitting on the older man's waist.

Smoker gave little resistance but at the same time showed no interest, not kissing back or even leaning into the kisses. Zoro removed the man's jacket and lifted up the thin black t-shirt to display his creamy skin and well-defined abs, tracing kisses up his chest before nibbling at his nipple.

Smoker let out a soft sigh before grumbling in an annoyed voice "If we're gonna do this again, you better be fucking crazy if you think I'm letting you top two times in a row!" flipping the boy so he was on top, pulling the kid into a sloppy kiss while using one hand to support himself and the other to rub the kid's bulge, Zoro hastily beginning to slip down Smoker's pants as he let out a muffled groan upon the friction.

Just when the Marimo was finally getting him into it, releasing his erection and fluffy white bush, a deep scream rung through the building.

"The fuck?" Smoker growled before pulling himself off the boy, pulling his pants back up and composing himself before running out into the hallway to see the chef of the resort in his boxers and on the ground in front of his room with a scared shitless face, everyone else running out of their rooms to see what was going on, Zoro looking particularly annoyed.

Sanji was mumbling to himself every swear word he could think of before turning to the detective and saying "He... He's dead."

Smoker's eyes widened a bit in shock before peering into the room, flicking on the light switch to see Moria lying in his bed with his throat slit open and the bed next to him having the bloody knife used to finish him jutting out of the mystery figure in the bed... Sanji's bed?

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I already have the murderer planned and it is someone in the resort, not someone from the outside so feel free to guess~ It's a Christmas present for Gecko (despite not being christmassy or merry ^.^;) and I'd love for yall to amuse my royal ass of a self with predictions... ^.^ But E-kun might be able to write his first smut in the next chapter... if it'll fit xD

R & R please~

Expect an update in three days (or less) ~

Later~


	2. I'm Getting Too Old For This Shit

So... A rather long three days huh? xD I was going to continue some other stories instead but this one bitch slapped me through the screen like a true pimp so I decided To re pick up this one... Than I'll probably work on "My Guardian's Glare" for a little bit...

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Law rushed into the room to check on Moria as Smoker hesitantly approached the other bed with a knife sticking out of it. He reached for the blanket, hand wavering a little bit before yanking on the blanket to reveal... pillows strategically placed in the shape of a body.

Ace came in holding a medical kit he found in the kitchen and tossed it to Law who was still searching for a pulse. "I used to be a life guard," Ace said before approaching Moria to apply pressure on the wound with the blanket while Law found a faint pulse. "He's alive! Just barely..."

Smoker was still staring at the pillows in confusion, turning to Sanji who had a mixed expression on his face. "That's a knife from the kitchen..." he muttered, less scared now knowing that Moria was alive.

Luffy just stood there at the doorway, gazing in with a face of confusion, not entirely comprehending the situation.

"I don't care where the _fucking _knife is from," Smoker gritted through his teeth. "I want to know why the hell you weren't in your bed, why the hell he has his throat slit and WHERE THE HELL is the damned exhibitionist!"

Sanji flinched as his voice raged on louder. "Ummm..." he mumbled once again, the situation making it hard for him to think. "It- uhhh- It's about 10, right? Paulie should be doing his daily run over to the tram to shut off power for the night," he finally pieced together, gripping his hair in a clenched fist. "Does anyone have a smoke?" he asked, feeling sick as fuck.

"You'll get your damned smoke after you answer the other two questions!" Smoker ordered, standing between him and the dresser.

"I don't know who tried to kill him!" Sajni cried out, on the verge of crying, his eyes reddening and feeling like he was suffocating, once again trying to apporach the dresser.

"One more answer shit-head!" Smoker yelled straight into his face, blocking him once more.

"For God's sakes give him a fucking smoke before he has a panic attack!" Ace yelled, grabbing the smokes and tossing them to Sanji, along with his light.

"Ooooo! Aaaacceeee! Dollar in the swear jar!" Luffy chimed in from the door as Sanji's shaky hands struggled to light the cigarette in his mouth. Smoker was about to yell at the boy for being an idiot before everyone heard a door open in the distance followed by a shout by Paulie. "Guys! There was a mudslide. The tunnel was closed up!" Paulie yelled through the hallway.

It took him no less than a minute to find everyone, Smoker closing the door behind him and meeting outside the room so he wouldn't know what was going on yet.

"When do you think it fell?" Smoker asked, doing his best to keep the man from having time to wonder why they were all gathered in Moria's room.

"Ummm..." Paulie thought aloud, peering over Smoker's shoulder to the closed door out of curiousity. "It stopped raining at around 8 so it was probably before that."

"I got here at 7... the tunnel closed at 8. Did anyone else come in between then?" Smoker asked, a hypothesis forming in his head.

"Not possible. The tram can't run without clearance by someone up here." Paulie said in responce, still confused.

Smoker turned around with gritted teeth before violently opening the door to the room, almost hitting Luffy upon entry. "Alright you dipshit fail excuse of a killer. The tunnel collapsed long before the attempted murder. No one other than the 8 of us are up here to our knowledge which concludes that you are in this room. We have two cops and a previously established buddy system which means this case should be a no brainer anyways. Save us the trouble and give up."

Paulie walked into the room gathering up as much information as possible, Sanji helping fill him in. Other than the two of them muttering, no one else dare say a word, all just exchanging suspiscious glances at each other.

It was now Zoro who stepped forward. "Alright. We were all paired up with a partner to sleep with. Smokey and I never left each other's sight in our room. That leaves us out, narrowing down the killer to one of you six." he said, scribbling into a note pad.

"Now wait a minute," Law intervened, grabbing the pen to stop Zoro from writing. "You can't be eliminated. For all we know you two could have worked as a team to try and kill them. You two even know each other from back in the force, no?"

Zoro responded with a devilish smirk. "Fair enough. Although since it is MY notebook and I know neither of us had anything to do with it I'm going to go ahead and cross our names off."

Paulie was officially clued in now and looked confused. "Wait... why weren't you in your bed then?" he asked.

"This shit has been avoiding that question as long as possible!" Smoker growled.

"There's a good explanation for that! I was... well.. ummm..." he paused, scratching his jaw line with a blush.

"After exchanging pleasantries and a brief lapse of eye contact at the dinner table, we silently agreed to meet in my room. He waited a few minutes for Moria to go to the bathroom, placed the pillows and than came to my room where we exchanged a bit of foreplay."Law explained in Sanji's stead, Sanji's jaw dropping in raw mortification.

"Did you two leave each other's sight at any point?" Zoro asked further, smirking at the raw humility Sanji felt in comparison to the apathetic Law.

"I do believe Sanji would've had ample opportunity to kill Moria and stage an "attempted" murder of himself before coming to my room although I had an equal amount of chance to stage his death and kill Moria when he went to the bathroom to prep his ass with the lube because he did take quite a while." Law said, never taking his eyes off of the patient at hand while Sanji was slumped against the wall in self-loathe, using his finger to draw imaginary circles against it.

"Kill me now..." he muttered before Law added "Somebody already tried that."

Smoker was seated at Moria's desk pinching his temples roughly, hoping this was some fucked up nightmare. Zoro continued to squabble notes with a teasing smirk as he purposely stared holes into the blonde who had his head hung low to avoid eye contact. Paulie was a deep crimson color and Ace and Luffy were still freaked out about the fact that there's a killer among them in the room.

"A-Aren't you all taking this too lightly?" Ace questioned in astonishment.

"I'm a doctor who has witnessed death many-a-times. My job description requires me to be desensitized so that I'm not sickened by death. I'm assuming the same thing goes for the two cops over there. Paulie, you and the loud boy have all reacted normally and Allbleu's shame overpowers his initial fear apparently. In addition to all that, quite frankly the killer did a sloppy job and didn't even manage to withhold his title so I see no reason to be frightened." Law explained again as he dissinfected the wound and began sewing it shut slowly, a smirk never leaving his face as he spoke.

"Now hold on a sec," Zoro finally spoke up after scribbling in his notebook while Law was giving his... irrelevant speech. "While the cook was play catcher with you in your room, where was Luffy during all of this? You shared a room, no?"

"Just what are you accusing my brother of?" Ace growled, stepping forward.

"I actually don't know where he went off to. I was originally just planning to place a gag on the cook. It just worked out the way it did by chance." Law shrugged, Sanji slumping down on the floor even more in shame.

Luffy finally spoke up himself though. "I was in the kitchen. I got reaallllyyyyy hungry and there wasn't even a lock on their fridge!" Luffy explained.

This snapped Sanji out of his shame coma. "The hell did you do to my kitchen!" he yelled in fury.

Luffy gave a half-hearted chuckle before saying "I raided the fridge, ate a few dishes, looked through some cabinets, and then I heard someone so I hid under the table because I didn't want to get in trouble!"

"That was probably when the culprit went to retreive the murder weapon," Smoker finally chimed in. "Assuming that the culprit isn't the kid himself."

"Don't you dare accuse Luffy! He wouldn't hurt a fly." Ace intervened once again.

"Glad to hear you speaking up Potgaz."Smoker said, turning to him.

"It's Portgaz." Ace said with a dignified hair flip.

"Mr. Portgaz. Paulie was going over to the tram to shut it off. It's true that he could've tried killing him before leaving, but you had around 15 minutes to do whatever you wanted. I'll give you 3 sentences to try and make yourself seem innocent." Smoker said with an uninterested glare.

"I snuck in a few handhelds." Ace said, hanging his head in shame.

"Handhelds?"

"Portable video games. I knew it would get boring so I snuck about three in my bag so that I wouldn't need a charger if one died, I would just switch to the other." Ace admitted, not making eye contact.

Three minutes later, Zoro and Smoker were in Moria's king sized bathroom. "In conclusion..." Zoro said, grabbing his notebook and flipping past a few pages, Smoker getting a quick glimpse at the contents... would could only be described as elaborate porn doodles, he opened to a page of the notes on the case. "We have narrowed down the 6 suspects to... six suspects."

"... I suddenly want that vacation a lot more now."

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Comment and Review... those are the same thing xD Other than that, not too much to say about this chapter except the reason that I went with a slashed throat for Gecko is because in the anime/manga he has a scar down his neck with tape on it. I thought it would be a cute little idea for irony's sake.

On a super super side note- I am 18 (have been for a month) and on June 5th, I have officially known my girlfriend for 12 years. We gooooo waaayyyyy back. But yeah. Drama for your mama and story for the glory.

Love ya~


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